Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably heard of Normal People. It’s absolutely everywhere now and adored by millions. That’s exactly why I can’t stand it.
Illustration: Many Pictures of Love by Faye Schuster
Originally published as a book in 2018, Normal People was recently made into an incredibly successful TV show. The show, made by Hulu and the BBC, has far outranked the novel in terms of its popularity. The TV show stayed incredibly true to the book, so I can’t even blame the unsettling plot lines on adaptations made for a TV audience.
Now, don’t get me wrong. The series is good, really good. The cinematography is beautiful, the acting is perfect and even the story is pretty good. But the reaction? Absolutely terrifying.
For those who don’t know, Normal People follows the toxic on and off relationship of Irish Teenagers Marianne and Connell from their final year of High School to their final year of University. We’re told it’s a romantic story, even the BBC tagline is “Get ready to fall in love.”. It has this “life altering depth” vibe to it, as if we’re supposed to be profoundly affected by the tale. It’s similar to the works of John Green (The Fault in Our Stars, Looking for Alaska, Paper Towns) but with A LOT more full-frontal nudity and graphic sex scenes. Do not watch this one with your parents, kids.
My problem with this cult hit show is the overwhelmingly unnerving response. Immediately after its release, all I saw at every turn was “I want a guy who loves me like Connell” or even worse “This is what true love looks like.”
Yikes. Real, mature love isn’t dramatic. It’s boring and effortless.
Remember after 50 Shades of Grey came out and there was this brief disturbing time where people were genuinely wishing for a man who would “love them like Christian Grey” before we realised how toxic that relationship was? That’s exactly what is happening with Normal People. To me, and anyone else who has suffered through an unhealthy relationship, it’s clear that what this TV show portrays is toxic.
There, I said it. What Marianne and Connell have is toxic.
Marianne and Connell’s relationship is on and off from day one. It begins with Connell’s independent decision to keep their affair secret because of their differing social status’. So romantic. I understand that stories wouldn’t be as interesting to watch without the on/off dynamics, but this is no Ross and Rachel. This isn’t a will they, wont they. This is an “are either of them going to make it out alive?” situation.
A study conducted by the University of Missouri proved that being in an on again off again relationship is terrible for your wellbeing. They found higher rates of abuse, lower potential for future commitment and poor communication levels. Those damn communication problems are the basis for this entire series. I fear that it’s not already been made clear enough so, to clarify, if you cannot talk openly about everything and anything with your partner then you should NOT be with them.
Marianne and Connell rarely, if ever talk about how they feel for each other or the world around them. This means they tragically break up often, and torture themselves between silent sex sessions. Connell’s severe depression and Marianne’s abuse at the hands of her family aren’t even enough to make them have a real conversation.
I don’t care that “it’s not real” or “maybe it happens off screen”. We emulate what we see. Clearly, we’ve romanticised the idea of a moody, silent relationship.
There is nothing about a relationship with poor communication that should be idolised. In fact, there’s nothing about this relationship that should be idolised at all. People keep saying it’s so romantic, but where? I didn’t see it. There are no dates. There are no moments of full dressed intimacy between them. There’s no laughter, no sharing common interests. It’s all sex all the time.
I keep seeing Connell described as the “strong and silent” type. What that really means is that he’s never honest about how he feels, and Marianne is the “smile sweetly and stay silent” type (despite supposedly also being the independent feminist type. The idea that this is a romantic situation that people want for themselves makes me nervous and sweaty. If you can’t talk to your partner, do not be with them.
Both characters deserve better than the other at various points in the series. At first, Connell is ashamed to be seen with her, doesn’t stand up for her in front of his friends (who actively bully her), then he asks another girl to “debs” (an Irish final year of school Prom situation). This power dynamic swaps over and over, for the entire duration of the series.
I can’t get through this without the idea of consent coming into play too. At the very beginning, Marianne loses her virginity to a more experienced Connell and it’s portrayed so well. There’s protection used, and verbal consent given. It’s loving and gentle and I support it.
Aside from using sex as a way to show love, the story also uses sex as a plot device. It shows how dark sex can be, without ever actually explaining that what we see isn’t okay.
First, Marianne, falls into an entirely unexpected relationship with a friend. He turns out to be sexually aggressive, hurting her during sex for his own pleasure. Marianne is clearly unhappy about this, but there’s no satisfying conclusion to this. Even after the relationship is over there’s no mention of what happened being wrong. Though it was never explicitly said, what happened to her was clearly a form of rape.
TV shows and films don’t need to explicitly tell us when something is bad or good, but for some people it might be hard to tell. If you’ve never experienced it for yourself, it can be hard to decipher between an abusive and a passionate relationship. I’d just like to see some follow up, something that gives the impression that you shouldn’t have to stand for this in your own life.
After this, she enters a BDSM relationship that at first, she asked for, but it spirals out into branches she doesn’t like. This plot is completely overlooked in the BBC series, making the matter seem trivial. To avoid too many spoilers, I suggest googling the bits of this relationship the book covers better. The point is no one ever registers any of this as a problem.
Eventually, she makes her way back to Connell and I became aware of my least favourite part of the entire story. Through-out the whole series, from the first episodes to the last, Marianne repeats the same line. She repeatedly tells Connell he can do whatever he likes with her. When he asks how she would like to have sex, she says “however you want it”.
Problematic much.
You should never be putting up with whatever your partner wants just because you want to please them. Every single decision should be mutual. Just as things seem to be looking up, and Connell is firmly in my good books, Marianne asks him if he likes when she says that. And what does he say?
YES. He said YES.
I shudder. He had the perfect opportunity to tell her he wanted her to have what she wants too. He could have asked why she says that. He could have said “not really, I don’t want you to feel like an object designed for my own pleasure” but he doesn’t.
I despair.
What I’m trying to say is, not everything labelled as “love”, really is love. No one should want a relationship like that. No one should want to be “loved like this” because it’s not love. It’s lust at best. Much like Joe Goldberg in Netflix’s You, this relationship has been idolised purely for its passion. I understand that we like the excitement, but I can’t stand seeing the repercussions. Most of us think we’re smart enough not to fall for a relationship like Marianne and Connell’s or Marianne’s relationships with the other two men, but abusive and toxic relationships are slow burners usually. You don’t see it coming.
If you haven’t seen Normal People yet, I’m happy to suggest you do. It was a few hours of beautifully written entertainment but watch it not through rose-coloured glasses, but with a sense of realism. See it for what it was. Not a story of romance, but instead as a cautionary tale. In a world where consent and healthy relationships are what we’re all striving for, how have we let this become our ideal model for love?
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